Jul 5, 2015

But...I am alone

"You are not alone."
If I see that meme one more time I might scream. Of course I am alone. Where are you when I am having anxiety or a panic attack? Where are you when my thoughts take a trip down Irrational Lane? What are you doing when my sanity tether is fraying at the end? Looking around I'm not seeing anyone. And yes, I tend to act stronger than I really am and not tell people what is going on, but there are those who know and those who know certain things will trigger things and other things and things and it's always things.
I feel old, naïve, and like I missed out on the inside joke when I look at people. I feel like they know something I never learned. Did I skip the day they taught you how to function in a healthy relationship? Did my teacher forget the lesson plan on how just because you love someone that does not mean they will love you back? That diving back into something that hurts you time and time again will have the same results?
I try so hard to be a good person. Do the right thing. Be the better person. Make the right choice, the smart choice. Sometimes it works, other times not so much. I feel guilty over the dumbest things and hate when people take me for granted.
Then again, we deserve what we tolerate. Powerful and hard to hear. But oh so painfully accurate.
I'm smart enough, good enough, and gosh darn it no one loves me…Boo Hoo, right?
Obviously, I am doing something wrong. Have a screw loose. Perhaps love too much or love the wrong people.

All I know is I am alone, stop acting like your meme makes you part of the mental health welcome wagon. What matters is where you toss your chips when someone's having a crisis and needs you. 
Where are you?
Me, I'm right here - waiting.

Aug 18, 2014

The new Covers for Z-BOAT Z-T-OPIA and Z-END from Permuted Press!

Depression and Suicide, hot topics

*Originally posted August 12 on suzannerobb.com

Suicide, the topic of the day if Twitter and Facebook are any indication.
Robin Williams. A comedian. An actor. A husband. He chose to end his life. People say he was famous and rich, he had everything. He was so funny. But he was depressed. He wrestled with demons we know nothing about and can’t judge him for. Depression is an illness, a disease. A topic we don’t discuss in polite company and brush under the carpet or talk about in hushed voices.
The fact is the world lost a good person to a horrible illness that needs to be dealt with in a more proactive manner.
I have mixed feelings. I know people who have killed themselves and it hurt me. I also suffer from depression and there are times things seem so dark I have no idea what to do.
I have heard arguments for and against. Until you know that kind of pain, you can’t judge. It’s always darkest before the dawn. Tomorrow will be better. It is an end to the torment of sadness. Words and phrases, memes and special memorial magnets. In the end it breaks even. There is no right answer when it comes to a choice someone else made in a frame of mind you were not privy to.
The fact is, depression is tough. It invades your mind, alters your thoughts. Strips you of everything you enjoy, so you grasp onto anything to give you hope…and then it gets taken away. People will abandon you. They will tell you inappropriate news at the worst time. You will get your heart broken, a lot. People will use you to figure out what they want in life, whether it is work, you, or their current relationship. When they are finished with you they will toss you to the side like trash. They will talk about you behind your back. They will lie to you. They will betray you.
This is the way life is. It is hard, cruel, crappy, mean, and at times pointless and hopeless.
The fact is, things can get better. Thoughts can be changed. Life can mean something. People will surprise you and be there for you. Friends will share good news, cheer you up, root for you, and let you know they are in your corner no matter what. They will support you, give you a shoulder to lean on. Pick you up off the side of the street, dust you off, and remind you that anyone who treats you like that, isn’t worth your time. Someone will stick up for you. A friend will come through for you. Those that love you will tell you the truth.
This is the way life is. Full of laughter, joy, happiness, love, friends, kindness, forgiveness, and understanding.
Suicide might seem like a solution, and I am the last person to judge…but maybe there is an alternative?
“Be kind, everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”
This quote has been attributed to Plato, Ian Mclaren and a few others…not sure who the real author is.
But as a wise person said –
Smiles do not mean I’m okay.
Laughs don’t mean I’m okay.
“I’m okay.” Does not mean I’m okay.
It never hurts to do a check in with people, actually talk to them. Not superficial BS.
And if you are feeling down, reach out to someone. Your friends want to help. They want to be there for you.
Trust me, I know.